I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
