I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I supernannyed him into submission
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
