those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
