she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
