What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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