I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize