filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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