you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
