I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
