someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize