Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
