if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
