There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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