omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
