dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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