Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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