I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
