mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
oh god the rape fog is back!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
