Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
