Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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