dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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