I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
