theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
