I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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