I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
