Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my liver is dry heaving
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
