I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
