Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
