mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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