Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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