I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
