dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
