I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
