Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
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