seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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