Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize