how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
