I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
