I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
