The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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