Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
