the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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