I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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