You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
