The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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