Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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