Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
