Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
