i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
