If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
