You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
