I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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