i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
