you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
