Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
