I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize