just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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