Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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