I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
