i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
